World Mental Health Day: The Truth

Friday, October 12, 2018

Wednesday was World Mental Health Day. I didn’t write about it because I had a bad day and the last thing I want to do on a bad day is write or do anything for myself. My blog is suffering at the moment because of the way I feel and I don’t know what to do about it. Sometimes I can pick myself up and feel motivated for a day or two but it doesn’t last long and I am back to square one again. 

In all honesty I feel worse at the moment than I ever have in my life. I thought moving away and having a fresh start would be good for me. I thought I would spend my days enjoying the country air and chatting to new mums at the school at pick up and drop off time. I thought I could reinvent myself and become a happier me. In reality, I have never felt more isolated and alone. In the five months since I have moved, I have lost almost all of my old friends and haven’t made a single new one. 

My anxiety is at its worst. I have been hyperventilating when upset and have been having daily attacks of heart palpitations which make me feel like I am dying. I have always tried to live with the emotional/mental side of my anxiety but the physical effects floor me. Throw in an episode of depression which I am fully aware I have spiralled into over the last few months and I have days where I wonder why I am even alive. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my kids because they are the only thing making me hold onto my life. 

So what can I do about it? Carry on and hope for the best? Hope that something in my life might change? I have a friend I can message online when I feel low but sometimes all you want is to sit down and have a cup of tea with a fellow human and talk about life. Maybe give them some advice and take some from them. Feel like you are not alone in the situation. The idea of that happening anytime soon isn’t likely. I will continue to walk miles everyday to drop the kids at school and pick them up. Maybe take a ride into town and walk around on my own, all of this time alone with my thoughts is not good.

Even when I am not alone, I feel alone. I have the children here before and after school though I feel like I am constantly telling them off and getting frustrated at them for not helping enough. I sometimes wonder why they enjoy spending time with me. Then I see Sam for a few hours each night but I can’t talk to him about my feelings because it will turn into an argument and any horrible comment directed at me becomes another insult for my anxiety to throw at me and make me feel guilty for the way I make the people around me feel.

Having anxiety is like having an evil conscience living inside your head. It will never let you forget the things you dislike most about yourself and will constantly use those things to make you believe that everybody else thinks them too. 

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  1. Sorry to read this, but I think you are brave to write it. Hope you find a way through it. Sending hugs. xx