Living With An Anxiety Disorder

Monday, April 23, 2018

I feel like I have been doing so well for ages. I haven't had an anxiety attack for a long time and I have been coping with life pretty damn well but the thing about having an anxiety disorder is that it can suddenly just creep back up on you when you least expect it. 

At the moment I feel like I am lonely but at the same time I don't want to be near to or speak to anyone. Anxiety affects people in different ways for me it is the constant fear of rejection or that I am being judged by people and I take this into consideration when it comes to every single decision I make when I am at my worst. From choosing what clothes to wear, incase people notice that I have put some weight back on, to not being able to decide what to do or where to go when asked, incase the person doesn't like my decision or thinks it is a stupid idea. Sometimes I can't decide what food to cook because either I feel my cooking skills are not good enough or they might not fancy eating what I choose and that will be MY fault. 

Of course when I think about it or write it down, none of my feelings are rationale in the slightest because most normal people make these decisions without giving them a second thought. However I am my own biggest critic and for as long as I remember I have blamed myself for everything bad that happens to anyone around me and so judge every action or decision I make. 

I have no idea what has triggered me recently. I seem to be hiding from everything and don't quite know how to pull myself out of it. It is strange. I have had some really lovely days recently with the family and have been feeling really happy despite knowing that my anxiety is there with me but I have equally had days where I have hidden and napped because I feel so exhausted from all of the overthinking and being emotionally drained. 

I always know when I am bad because I steer away from writing until it all builds up and I have to let it all go or I cannot rest. Of course there is no real hiding as a parent, I may hide emotionally but I still need to get my kids to school and take them to their social events and I think that helps. Sometimes I have to force myself to stick around and talk to parents at the school because there are so many amazing people who I enjoy talking to and while my anxiety is yelling 'DON'T TALK  TO THEM TODAY THEY WILL REALISE YOU ARE CRAZY AND EMOTIONAL AND WON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE OR THEY WILL SEE THROUGH YOU AND TELL EVERYONE HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT YOU. BLENDING IN THE BACKGROUND IS A BETTER IDEA' but I also worry that by not stopping to say 'Hi' or make an effort that they will think I am rude and I will then lose all of my friends anyway.

So please if anyone is reading this and ever wonders why I am probably walking through school looking so conflicted or being quiet or even being uncharacteristically loud, I am just a slightly crazy person who wants  to be liked and has no idea what her brain is doing 90% of the time. Sometimes I can get all the way back home after dropping the three kids off and not even remember walking home as my brain has been in overdrive. Also if you are reading this and don't know me personally but my description sounds like someone you know, they probably have their own anxiety issues that they are trying to work through and maybe a kind smile or a 'Hello' might just make their day a little easier.

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  1. We do just tend to get on with it as mums don't we? I've been doing the same at various points in the last 18 months. Hope you get through this patch soon. x

  2. Thanks for writing such an open and honest account of an anxiety disorder. I hope it helps people understand it better, and that you get through this temporary tougher period soon.