Why Am I Scared?

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Things are going so well for me at the moment. So why is it I am finding myself in a hormonal downward spiral, scared of everything? I am really suffering with my anxiety at the moment. My heart palpitations are coming back and I am finding myself feeling panicky over the smallest things. I am not sleeping well, no matter what time I try to go to sleep. I wake with a horrific tired migraine.

Despite the fact that I have overcome so much the last few months I am doubting myself about all the decisions I have to come. I think now that I can finally see a possibility of a really happy life ahead of me, I am terrified of losing it all. I have an amazing man, amazing friends and my amazing children. Surely I should just be happy with that? Of course I am but I am already looking for the obstacles that are not even here yet.

The only thing I have tying me to my past is my house and I want more than anything to be somewhere else now. I want a new house for my new life but it just isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Price wise it would make sense for me to move away from here, as renting prices in Coventry are definitely not affordable, but I am scared of going somewhere new. Will I ever find as good a support network as I have with my friends right now? They are certainly irreplaceable.

Will I be enough? I think I am having a lot of doubts about myself and facing a huge lack of confidence. I am wondering what it is I even bring to my relationships with people and why they seem to want me around.

I am struggling to think about what I want to do career-wise as I need to earn more money than I am now to be able to provide for the kids once I finally sort our new home. The thought of having to go back to work in a supermarket fills me with dread. Working with customers isn't fun for someone with social anxiety, I would have good days and I would have days where I would have to go and hide in the toilets and cry because I couldn't cope. That isn't something I think I could deal with at the moment.

I hate how my anxiety defines me and makes me feel like the worst version of myself. I hate having a little voice in my head forever telling me I am not good enough and that I am a burden on people's lives. I hate having days where I have to ignore and avoid even having conversations with people because I don't want to put a downer on their day and make them regret starting a conversation with me. I am scared that they will soon realise that this is me and that they will all start to leave me.

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  1. I don't have any answers but I wanted to let you know I'd read this. Stress headaches have been a thing in this house recently, too, and they're awful.